Monday, May 13, 2002 Justin Currie

10(x2) Reasons….

Who knows which way the wind blows, other than meteorologists? Not me. Here are ten reasons why working in a bank sucks compared to being in a band.
1. You don’t get a rider when you turn up for work, not even at Christmas.
2. Nobody cheers, whistles or applauds when you finish a balance sheet or stamp a cheque with that rubber thing really accurately.
3. When you go on a booze and class A drug bender, neglect to turn up for work for a week and are found unconscious in a brothel in Paris on top of the singer from the Vines you can’t claim to be suffering from exhaustion and use the ensuing publicity to hype yourself up the pay scale.
4. When you drop your calculator, no team of crack technicians will come running, stooped below the counter, pick it up, make sure it’s still working and inconspicuously place it back at your side as if nothing ever happened.
5. Girls (or boys) will not be hanging around your Fiat Punto praying to meet you at a quarter past five. Unless it’s the fraud squad.
6. When you make an enormous professional error due to a prodigious hangover you can’t just shout at the monitor man.
7. Nobody,not even the cleaners will accept that from now on you’re to be known as Planet GX. Your name will always be Brian.
8. When your regional manager is in town he will never take the entire branch out in a fleet of limousines to the most expensive restaurant in town, he will never order a ceaseless flow of Veuve Cliquot or rack out small hillsides of cocaine before treating your entire entourage to special services in the local titty bar. He (or she) will offer you half of their cajun chicken wrap from Pret a Manger before downsizing the whole lot of you and scarpering in a horrible silver Volkswagen.
9. They won’t give you six years paid leave when you complain about repetitive strain injury and “numerical block”.
10. When you hang yourself in a B&B in Dover Stuart MacConie, a balding record producer and some dick from the Daily Mirror won’t appear on a hastily cobbled together channel 5 documentary about your life called High Interest-the Wild Life of Barclay’s Brian Bolland.

Ten Reasons why working in a bank is better than being in a band.
1. You will never open a newspaper in the morning to see yourself described as a clapped out old wanker who’d be better off nailed to a fencepost in Wiltshire than be inflicted on the general public.
2. It is unlikely you will ever be forced to grovel to a repulsive imbecile like Dr.Fox in order to keep your job.
3. Nobody will ever say to you after fifteen years of selling your soul to the Hounds of Hades that they don’t hear a single, now fuck off and die.
4. You will never turn up for work one day and be told that you have been replaced by a big purple puppet.
5. You won’t look up from your desk one day and notice that all the customers have gone away and outside the window two nine year olds are calling you “fanny-man”.
6. It is almost beyond the realms of possibility that the guy who empties your waste basket will leave to start a rival bank across the road, become an overnight success and put you out of a job. In the highly unlikely event of this happening he would never tell a national newspaper how you used to read porn in the toilet and treated him like dirt.
7. You will never be asked to tap dance outside head office and sign people’s bus tickets.
8. Cocky little students won’t constantly harass you in the pub telling you they think you’re shit but could you say happy birthday to their mum on their horrible little plastic telephone.
9. You won’t be generally regarded as a local joke because you’re over thirty five and were once known to have worn clothes only a pimp from Dallas would consider acceptable.
10. When you hang yourself in a B&B in Dover, mercifully Stuart MacConie, a balding record producer and some dick from the Daily Mirror won’t appear on a hastily cobbled together channel 5 documentary called “No Interest-The Forgettable Exploits of Frisky Biscuit’s Planet GX”.